


something about lonely nights and my lipstick on your face (something about you and i)

by majesdane



Category: Lost Girl
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-17
Updated: 2011-05-17
Packaged: 2017-10-19 12:21:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/200802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majesdane/pseuds/majesdane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>That's what bothers her the most.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	something about lonely nights and my lipstick on your face (something about you and i)

she fucks him, and she almost loves him.

no, not _almost_ \-- she _does_ love him. but he's not like _her_ though, will never be like lauren, who she also loves, and she wishes that she could just explain to them that she loves them both, just in different ways. she loves them both and she doesn't want to have to choose between them, doesn't even think she _can_ \--

(they'll have to choose for her)

\-- and it really is just that _simple_ and _complicated_ all at once. and she wishes she could explain it, but she can't, and she knows that it wouldn't matter even if she could. because none of them want to hear it.

least of all, bo.

  
;;

  
she hates lauren, but she loves her too.

the thing that bo hates the most is that lauren found a way to both lie and tell the truth all at once. that she wanted bo, yes, but it was a wanting that was borne out of both a duty to serve the ash and real love. and bo hates the fact that in her mind, she can't separate the two laurens --

(one bound to the ash, the other bound to _her_ )

\-- and it makes her sad and angry all at once. because really, it isn't at all fair and she wishes that the fae would just figure it the fuck _out_ , that some of their rules make sense, but most don't, and they don't understand that their goddamn _rules_ , the ones they're always so scared to break or change, are more hurtful than helpful.

she knows, deep down, that she shouldn't really be this angry at lauren, knows that she should give lauren the forgiveness she so desperately wants. every time their eyes meet now, bo can see it. a silent pleading. a begging of sorts. please understand, her eyes say and bo can't look away, so she just stares lauren down until lauren turns her gaze downwards. defeated.

 _bo_ , lauren finally says, sounding very sad and tired. _i don't know how much more i can say that i'm sorry._

you don't have to anymore, bo wants to say, but her tongue is quicker than her heart, and so what she really says is, _until i think you actually mean it._

and it's horrible, it's so horrible, but she can't stop herself from saying it and now that it's out there, she can't take it back. and lauren just pulls back into herself and bo can see that spark of hope in lauren's eyes slowly growing small and fading.

she wants to say, i'm sorry, i didn't mean that. that it was a lie.

but she doesn't, because that would be a half a lie itself.

  
;;

  
when dyson looks at her, it's almost like he _knows_.

knows that in those hazy, dreamy moments between fucking and falling asleep, it's lauren's face that floats to the forefront of her mind. knows that when bo presses her face against her sheets, into her pillow, she can still smell lauren's perfume, no matter how many times she's tried to wash it out. like he knows that the aching in her ribs each morning --

(maybe he does, maybe that's just the thing)

\-- is because of lauren. her ribs feel bruised from her heavy heart beating too fast and hard in her chest.

because she's tried to put lauren out of her mind.

and for the most part, she's been successful.

but when she dreams, it's lauren that she dreams of. when she dozes off while watching reality tv shows with kenzie on the couch, on those warm, lazy days when there's nothing to do, she remembers the feeling of lauren's fingers tracing circles along the curve of her hip. remembers the first time --

( _i know what you're doing._

 _do you want me to stop?_

 _no._ )

\-- lauren looked at her like that. with eyes full of wanting. and the first time, it had been because of her power, but she knows that the second and third and every other time after that, had been real. the first lauren had kissed her, really just leaned in and pressed their lips together with reckless abandon, it had been because she _chose_ to do it. not because she had to.

and that's the distinction, she knows. doing to because you want to and doing it because you have to. bo knows that distinction; it comes with the territory of being a succubus. to know whether or not someone loves you for real, to know if the kisses, the touches, the smiles, mean something more than love-lust pulled from a place that never really existed in the first place.

that's what bothers her the most.

because with lauren, she couldn't -- can't -- tell. and she wants more than anything to believe that everything that happened, all those feelings, were sincere. but she doesn't know. she won't ever know. and it's exactly what keeps her angry, what keeps her staring down lauren, and both loving and hating herself with every sad and wistful look that lauren gives her.

  
;;

  
 _i know you love her_ , he says.

 _i don't._

 _yes, you do. you're a terrible liar. it's one of your best qualities._

she turns to him, grips him by the neck, pulls him in for a rough kiss. _if i loved her, would i be able to do that to you?_ she kisses him again and again, wraps her legs around his waist and pulls him inside her, arches and pushes and grinds against him --

(it becomes a mantra: _if i loved her, i couldn't do this._ )

\-- until she comes, digging her fingernails so hard into his back that she draws blood, and she doesn't even think of lauren when, slowly, he presses a kiss to the side of her mouth.

and she hates the way he looks at her, with that easy, knowing smile -- hates even _him_ for it, just a little bit.

 _of course you'd be able to do it_ , he says. _because that's exactly who you are._


End file.
